I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
