right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
