He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
