he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
