i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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