my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
