i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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