Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
