I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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