I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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