dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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