Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.