I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.