I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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