My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
