At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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