i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
