just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
