god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
