I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
