i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
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