My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When did angry sex become our thing?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
