Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
