You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
