I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
