in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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