i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you didnt know i had herpes?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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