So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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