sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
