I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
