my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
40s are totally the cure
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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