a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
