I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
