I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
