Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
