i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
