Your mouth is God's brothel.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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