I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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