wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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