He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
