So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
