He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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