Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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