Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
