And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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