I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
