Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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