you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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