I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
