I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
