He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
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I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
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