That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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