i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
