I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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