***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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