After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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