grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
