I wish I could teleport
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize