Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
