The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
