i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We're too hungover to prance.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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